hold me closer one more time,
say that you love me in your last goodbye,
please forgive me for my sins,
yes, I swam dirty waters,
but you pushed me in,
i've seen your face under every sky,
over every border and on every line,
you know my heart more than I do,
we were the greatest, me and you,

but we had time against us,
and miles between us,
the heavens cried,
I know I left you speechless,
but now the sky has cleared and it's blue,
and I see my future in you,

I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I'll put my hands up,
I'll do everything different,
I'll be better to you,
I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I'll put my hands up,
I'll be somebody different,
I'll be better to you,

let me stay here for just one more night,
build your world around me,
and pull me to the light,
so I can tell you that I was wrong,
I was a child then, but now I'm willing to learn,





x

I just simply CANNOT decide what I want from this situation, at all, or even what you want. This makes things a little confusing.

Listening to jazz makes me pretty melancholy, and melancholia=bad choices.

Remember: self-restraint, train yourself.

Indea.



Bestie.

isn't it funny the way that it's alright for you to hit on and sleep with all the girls you like, but the second i try and tune someone you suddenly become all clingy? i thought you were supposed to be the indifferent one in this.... thing, and yet suddenly you're clingy and i'm unbothered.

don't be a jerk

see you in less than two weeks, gosh i don't think i have ever seen a more attractive group of men.

i know it's inappropriate, but I don't really care. just the cutest thing ever.

i feel very alone and not very loved. if i were religious, this would be the time in which i would worship. but i'm not, so it's me myself and i.

also, i'm a bit of a shit friend, sorry.

fuck you.

what the actual fuck. please tell me what is going on, i am so confused. but if it is about that, then i know everyone will agree.



on the up side, you seem to panning out quite nicely, i'm very happy with this sort of arrangement.



x

often, i get lonely. regardless of how many people i see. it's almost as if the more people i see, the lonelier i get.

i can't sleep next to a stranger when i'm coming down

i keep floating down the river, but the ocean never comes
since the operation i heard you're breathing just for one
now everything is imaginary, especially what you love
you left another message said it's done,
it's done

when i hear beautiful music it's always from another time
old friends i never visit, i remember what they're like
standing on a doorstep full of nervous butterflies
waiting to be asked to come inside
just come inside

but i keep going out
i can't sleep next to a stranger when i'm coming down
it's 8 a.m. my heart is beating too loud
too loud
don't be so amazing or i'll miss you too much
i felt something that i had never touched

everything gets smaller now the further that i go
towards the mouth and the reunion of the Known and the Unknown
consider yourself lucky if you think of it as home
you can move mountains with your misery if you don't
if you don't

it comes to me in fragments, even those still split in two
under the eaves of that old Lime Tree i stood examining the fruit
some were ripe and some were rotten, i felt nauseous with the truth
there will never be a time more opportune

so i just won't be late
the window closes, shock rolls over in a tidal wave
and all the color drains out of the frame
so pleased with a daydream that now living is no good
i took off my shoes and walked into the woods
i felt lost and found with every step i took



x

she was beautiful, but she didn't mean a thing to me

i suffer from a severe case of 'sour grapes'. i consistently manage to get bored of a boy who i obsess over if it turns out he's also keen. its the most irritating thing, and cheats me out of so many lovely situations, but yet i can't escape it. pull it together self.

absolutely bizarre, but one of the best times. so comfortable and relaxed. you are really a bit lovely, i'll try not to get bored with you just yet.

my housemate cooked me a roast dinner tonight. i nearly got teary because i love them so much.

quite content, i'd be more content if i could see my favourites though; chelsea, indigo and maxwell to name a few. missing matthew a lot, contemplating a visit to see him in the middle east around june.... if funding allows.

sleep beckons,
whisper dreamtales through their keyholes.

x

whiney

my insides hurt from loneliness.
why do i always attract douches? and can't seem to love the nice ones?
fucking whinger.
but i really thought that something nice could have happened here.

national masochism

"Sometimes it appears that we're reaching a period when our senses and our minds will no longer respond to moderate stimulation. We seem to be reaching an age of the gross, persuasion through speeches and books is too often discarded for disruptive demonstrations aimed at bludgeoning the unconvinced into action. The young--and by this I'd don't mean any stretch of the imagination all the young, but I'm talking about those who claim to speak for the young--at the zenith of physical power and sensitivity, overwhelm themselves with drugs and artificial stimulants. Subtlety is lost, and fine distinctions based on acute reasoning are carelessly ignored in a headlong jump to a predetermined conclusion.

Life is visceral rather than intellectual. And the most visceral practitioners of life are those who characterize themselves as intellectuals. Truth is to them revealed rather than logically proved. And the principal infatuations of today revolve around the social sciences, those subjects which can accommodate any opinion, and about which the most reckless conjecture cannot be discredited. Education is being redefined at the demand of the uneducated to suit the ideas of the uneducated. The student now goes to college to proclaim, rather than to learn. The lessons of the past are ignored and obliterated, and a contemporary antagonism known as "The Generation Gap." A spirit of national masochism prevails, encouraged by an effete core of impudent snobs who characterize themselves as intellectuals."




I'm just an impudent snob who characterises myself as an individual, and proud of it.

English, Russian, Philosophy and Anthropology. Awesome university degree anyone?


x

caught,

There was music from my neighbour's house through the summer nights. In his blue gardens men and girls came and went like moths among the whisperings and the champagne and the stars.

The exhilarating ripple of her voice was a wild tonic in the rain.

So he waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning-fork that had been struck upon a star. Then he kissed her. At his lips' touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete.





- The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Absolutely makes the list of my favourite books of all time.

stardust

i have this image of you leaning out the window,
your lungs encapsulating smoke,
but i would give everything to smell your cigarettes burning,
you were always so impassive when you spoke.

wherever you are i hope you find,
what you were searching for.



x

drunk pants

m: just got back from corvinteto

pshhh

australia

what are you even doing there?

riddle me that batwomwan

woman

you know

hey!

pay attention or i'm going to bed

i made pancakes

i'ma eat them

jealous?

i would be

oh yeah

your mom owes me a coffee or whatever

beer

something

for something

i can't remember

love you, x

x

my boyfriend gave me a unicorn bracelet

imissindea. the end.

x

and this is why i love you,

m: oh lydia

why did you leave me?

l: you left me first!

m: pssh, just for a bit

l: but seriously, got used to my daily moustache dosage.

m: you left me, like, permanently

l: so, only solution is for us to elope. the end.

m: i know, experiencing the withdrawals yet

?

ok, done

where to?

l: worst hangover of my life pretty much.

.... guess.

m: hahaha

ok, i know, but that's really more a place to find an apartment

i say we find a remote island in se asia first

l: right deal, any preferences?

m: one beautiful, remote island is as good as the next as far as I'm concerned

maybe somewhere i can catch some fish

you know, to eat and stuff

l: ahhh, yes, good plan.

you gonna go all bear grylls?

m: more like swiss family robinson

with a monkey butler

that makes mean cocktails

uncertainty

i currently feel lost. i cannot decide where i want to be, or who i want to be, or what i want to do, or who i want to do. everything is tangled into knots, and my mind is flighty and indecisive. where is my mind?
glad about sydney though, i think that will give me some sense of sanity.
can't really explain how i made a best friend in 3 weeks, but it happened, and we understood each other perfectly. i'll miss that...







x

yes

it's true.


i lost count, tally is in double digits now though, and have found a new favourite who left me. he was the sweetest.


x